HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY...OH, WAIT, THAT WAS MIGHTY MOUSE...

I had my cape on yesterday. It is invisible to anyone but me. It only comes out when I need to be a "crimefighter" and do good for the world. That happened yesterday.

Most who know me know that I have worked for a major book retailer (Bunns and Noodle*Thanks Alison Bechdel) for the past eleven years. You also know that I amnot shy nor easily intimidated. That came in real handy yesterday.

We had a shoplifter who had taken the music department for hundreds of dollars of boxed sets of music before we caught him. He had not left the store at that time, but he was banned from the mall and the store. Those of us in the music department are constantly on the lookout for him.

Yesterday, as I was finishing a transaction with a customer, he came sauntering in, laying his shopping bag on the counter so that I could see that he wasn't stealing anything and headed over to the box sets. It was extremely busy in the store and I was the only one in the department at the time. I gave a call over the intercom for a manager, but they didn't know it was for something as important as this and they were busy, so no one came right away.

I finished the transaction with my customer and came from behind the counter and walked up to the man as he was stuffing something down the back of his pants. I stopped right in front of him, held my hand out and asked him for what he was stealing.

I suppose now is the time I should point out that this man was 6'2", 250 lbs. and 35 years old. I am 5'6", 200 lbs. and 61 years old. And, I am no one to be messed with. I, after all, grew up on the streets of LA and can hold my own with anyone.

He looked at me and mumbled something that I didn't understand and just stood there. I reached around behind him and pounded on the boxed set he had down the back of his pants, looked back up into his face with my hand outstretched and demanded that he give me what he was stealing. I guess he figured he wasn't going to get past me, so he reluctantly reached behind his back and pulled out a $60 box set of Broadway musical songs. I took it from him and headed back behind the counter and along the way grabbed his shopping bag from the counter.

That got a reaction out of him. "Give me my bag, I've only got magazines in there and I paid for them." Right. I told him there was probably more stolen merchandise in the bag and wanted to see. Well, this is when good thinking took over from bravado and when he grabbed the bag from my hand I just let him take it. He headed out of the store with me directly behind him.

Other staff then noticed what was happening, but by this time he was out the front door. I explained to the manager what had happened and got the response that I probably shouldn't have done that (in retrospect, there might be a little bit of truth in that) and my safety was the most important thing. I explained that I truly felt that I was in charge of the situation and at any time that I had felt uncomfortable, I would have backed down and did.

I wish I had a video of the whole thing...

Opening scene: 61 year old, feisty broad looking up into the face of a young, 6'2", 250 lb. perp (hey, gotta get that crime jargon in there) demanding return of stolen property or else.

It wasn't until I saw it in my own mind that I realized how ridiculous it must have looked. Oh well, not on my watch is some young punk going to rip me (okay, the store) off. So, if any of you crime types are out there, be aware, I will stop your ass and put you in your place. Granny for justice has spoken.

BOOK REVIEW OF THE WEEK

ONCE AGAIN TO ZELDA Every once in a while, I will post some information about what I have been reading, but only if it is something that

1. I am willing to admit I have read
2. I think you will enjoy
3. I couldn't put down.Okay, maybe I could have put it down but i makes me look smart if I read it.

I now know why I will never be a writer. While I have suffered, it is obvious from this book that I have not suffered enough.

The stories behind the dedications to the books listed run from the tragic, to the more than tragic, to the most horrible thing I have ever heard. The authors are listed in chronological order and as we approach the present, the suffering does diminish somewhat. The real tragedy was that I missed it.

If you love books, gossip and information that is ...more I now know why I will never be a writer. While I have suffered, it is obvious from this book that I have not suffered enough.

The stories behind the dedications to the books listed run from the tragic, to the more than tragic, to the most horrible thing I have ever heard. The authors are listed in chronological order and as we approach the present, the suffering does diminish somewhat. The real tragedy was that I missed the tragedy, I missed the suffering, I missed the mayhem of the dedications.

If you love books, gossip and information that is only needed to win a Trivial Pursuit Game (with others with the same literary addiction) then this is the book for you.

(Should be made into a movie, oh, hell, many of them already have! Sylvia, In Cold Blood, The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds, Shindler's List )

Read it...it's what we Minnesotans call a hoot..when we're not freezing our butts off that it.

HAND IT OVER, KEB' MO

in which I complete a meme, the very first ever, stolen from blah blah blah-er

What does your music library say about you?

1. Put Your ipod on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song.

What do your friends think of you?
Take Me To The Mardi Gras, Paul Simon

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Big Bad John, Jimmy Dean

How would you describe yourself?
Revolution, The Beatles

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Dance, Jimmy Cliff with Wyclef Jean

How do you feel today?
Little Village, Van Morrison

What is your life’s purpose?
Knockin' On Heaven's Door, Bob Dylan

What is your motto?
Chaingang Special, Sonny Terry

What do you think about very often?
Ain't No Sunshine, Aaron Neville

What is 2 + 2? To Kingdom Come, The Band

What do you think of your best friend?
Mannish Boy, Muddy Waters

What do you think of the person you like?
I've Been Working, Van Morrison

What is your life story?
People Get Ready, Ladysmith Black Mombazo

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Great Balls of Fire, Jerry Lee Lewis

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Star Spangled Banner, Jimi Hendrix

What will they play at your funeral?
Big Bunch of Junkie, Sinead O'Connor

What is your hobby/interest?
Rockin' Robin, Bobby Day

What is your biggest fear?
Mucho Mungo, John Lennon

What is your biggest secret?
Midnight Special, Lead Belly

What will you post this as?
Hand it Over, Keb Mo'

WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY?

That just about sums it up as far as I am concerned. I don't know that I want to be old physically since my mind still lingers in adolescence.

I reached this point via a number of roads. Bizarre childhood, youthful overindulgence, life on the edge for far too many years, medical practioner's incompetence and the "tough" attitude that I could and can do, eat, drink, overindulge in anything.

The price is somewhat of an aged lament of many I am certain. Many of my physical ailments are a result of being treated with steroids for a number of years for a disease I did not have, sports injuries, and plain old stupidity. Emotional problems stem from crazy childhood, escapist behavior and self medication. I have dealt with these issues the best I think I can...I can sleep in the dark, I don't smoke or drink anything that can put me in jail anymore, and the diet has been the funniest part.

Eating as many fats and calories only leads to stomach disorders, smoking of a variety of substances has led to CPD and the fact that I turn 62 next month means my days of youth and overindulgence are truly over.

Exercise is a weird option. Emphysema limits a great deal other than slow walking and moving. How much of that do you have to do to burn off a pound, much less fifty? Healthy meals seem to be a lot more troublesome and time consuming than a patty melt off a George Foreman Grill (slightly more healthy than frying, I suppose.) And why does philosophizing and book reading burn less calories than hunting and killing animals? Just doesn't seem fair, does it?

So, visits to the doctor increase exponentially, minor illnesses knock more of of the poop out of me and five hours of sleep a night just isn't enough. Ah, for the days of Hormel Chili and Cheese on Fritos for dinner. Oh, well...complaining and crankiness is just another symptom of getting old, so watch out.

HOW WILL I EVER GET OUT OF THIS PLACE ALIVE?

I have a developing psychosis, I believe. Those of you who know me may think you know what it is, but it isn't any of the easy ones. This one has to do with hoarding. Books, pens, CDs, old clothes, stuff I'll never use and yet can't get rid of.

I am doing better with the books. I am now able to give them away but not as fast as I can acquire them. Therefore, I am still at a losing pace. I even made a commitment to start going to the library. Which I did. But, the number of books in the house still increased by three.

Did I mention magazines. Cooking magazines? The ones I can never get to because I am too busy cleaning up the rest of the crap. I read them at night and my stomach growls and I plan on how I am going to make that herb stuffed turkey breast as soon as I can find the damn magazine again.

Clothes. Will I ever be a size 12 again? I doubt it. But, just in case, I still have those bell bottoms from 1975. I finally gave the beloved size 10 Levi jacket to my daughter. Maybe she will hoard it and vicariously pick up all of the vibes from the Led Zeppelin, Sly and the Family Stone, Dylan, Van Morrison concerts it attended with me. Hopefully, the embedded ganja smell has dissipated so she won't get arrested if the windows are rolled up and she is pulled over.

Kitchen crap. How many mixing bowls can a pseudo-chef use? And, I think I've used the mandolin once. (Those of you who saw the blog before it crashed and burned might remember the bleeding thumb picture.) The cast iron pans are still in a stack in the basement somewhere. Yet, if I could find them there would be no room for them in the kitchen anyway as the Foreman Grill, rice cooker, waffle iron, two crockpots, blender, etc. take up all the space.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could just get my sh*t together once and for all? The internet is wonderful...so wonderful that I have begun to hoard links. Firefox lets me "organize" my bookmarks in the most wonderful way, and as soon as I find that Korean language site again, I'll start studying that.

Meanwhile, I will continue to be happy that I am graced with an understanding husband, a mind that somewhat justifies the accumulation of all this crap by answering Jeopardy questions in a speedy fashion and the vision of the day of my death when all of the rest of you are running down the road trying to get your hands on all of these treasures for yourself. Why wait till I'm dead, drop by now and just take some stuff when you leave. I'm sure I will never notice.

What I Really, Really Want

So, what do these things have in common? Let's see...I want them both. One is the unchallenged, over the top iphone. Now, those of you who know me know how much I hate the phone. I am constantly losing it, letting it go dead, hanging up on people who call or flat out rejecting the call because I picked the damn thing up wrong. But, is it really a phone? Hell, NO! It's a mini-computer that is something I could play with all day long.

What does a 61 year old woman need with a toy like this...baby, this ain't got nothing to do with need. The primary word is WANT...like right now, in my hand, let me shake it, turn it sideways, figure out how to post to Facebook from it, read my important email from Freecycle and look as cool as any grey hair can look with earphones in her ears while getting down to Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" (Honest, honey, if I can have an iphone I promise I will learn that dance in time for our anniversary!) (Or, my birthday.) (Or, yours.) (Or, NOT!)

Okay, now onto picture number two. Most of you know that Jewels moved to Albuquerque last fall and while I'm sure I will see her some day, I kind of have started wanting a new dog now. And, I'm not talking about a new puppy that's all cute and cuddly, I want a rescue dog that will bring out the Dog Whisperer in me and put me back in the pack leader position. Kim has hinted that winter isn't the best time to get a new dog. (Make that insisted.) I have mentioned it so often that I came up with the idea that if I started asking for a horse, it would be much easier for him to say yes to a dog.

Well, it has been an uphill battle and the words "wait until spring" don't mean much to me when I really, really want a puppy, NOW! I thought I had gotten somewhere when he started asking all of those pre-dog questions...Do you promise to take it for walks? Will you clean up after it when it does its business in the yard? And on and on in that teasing-me-as-if-I-were-nine-years-old way. The nerve.

So, no ipod and no dog...I'll be marking off the days on the calendar cause I know that I am spoiled rotten and my birthday is coming up and February (birthday month) is almost spring and when I get my present I will certainly need something to take pictures of it with and e-mail immediately to all my friends and family...Makes sense to me. How about you?